My Move to Serjdownawanaland
March 22, 2009
Dear Lee,
I already told you how sorry I am for missing your old school Nintendo night. I’m also very sorry that no one showed up period. It’s not my fault that everyone on our floor would rather go out and get trashed on a Friday night than sit in your living room staring at a one inch Mario. It’s the world we live in, buddy. Thank goodness you and I know better. So why wasn’t I there? Because I’m leaving. That’s right! I talked to the people at the registrar office, housing office, and Gull Card office. I am officially not a student here anymore. After months of extensive consideration, a group of friends and I have decided to go start our lives somewhere else. What good is our one life if it is wasted in the same boring system everyone else goes through? As soon as you decide to get off the conveyer belt, you can join us. You were a great RA! I hope everything goes well for you!
-Jess
Serjdownawanaland: “If you don’t love living here, you have some serious issues.”
Ready to go somewhere completely different? Sick of stressing about what your society thinks is important? Create your own life from scratch on the beautiful island of Serjdownawanaland (Serj-down-a-wana-land). Located 30 miles south of Disney’s private island in the Bahamas, Castaway Cay, Serjdownawanaland rivals every tropical touristy vacation spot there is. We have it all: sandy beaches, clear ocean waters, shopping malls, mini golf courses, movie theaters, horseback riding trails, and much more! You do not even have to worry about what to wear ever again. Our sumptuary laws require that you always wear a tank top, board shorts, and flip flops. How relaxing!
Making a life for yourself is affordable, too. Unless you would really like to pay a load of cash for being lazy in your beach house, you can eliminate any costs on the island by getting yourself a JOB! If you help out the community, the community will give back to you; got it? We have this whole redistribution thing going on. Plus, the harder you work and the more skillful you are the more stuff you will get and the higher your social class will be.
A reason why life in the outside world gets stressful is because people do not know how to handle their goods. So let us have a role in deciding what you get; we are a pretty fair government, if we do say so ourselves. Other things are used to show the other tropical hot spots not to mess with us. Therefore, the only way this can be done is with wealth finance.
Let Serjdownawanaland’s government take care of the dirty work. We have fairly well maintained social ties with our neighbors; our trade is done in the form of reciprocity. We’ll trade with the surrounding countries (mainly the United States) to get the technology, resources, and food that we need to live the good life. What do we give them in return, you ask? What the government of any media-driven, workaholic-filled country would want: a tropical paradise for their citizens to pay an arm and a leg to visit! Yes, we have given our neighbors a chunk of our little piece of heaven in exchange for stuff that we are too lazy to make ourselves! For us, this piece of land is simply a commodity.
So if you hate money and the boring rituals of everyday life forced upon you by a society that thinks they are “right”, Serjdownawanaland is the place for you. Life means more than the money in your pocket and the tie around your neck. Discover yourself here!
Jess,
I think I’ve found the place for us.
<3Katie
To: Jen <eeyoreisblue@yahoo.com>
From: Kyle <seriouslyquestionable@gmail.com>
Subject: I don’t understand you at all.
My parents just sent your family six boxes of chocolates, a new sofa, twelve well-organized purses, the complete 3rd season of that show you always watch, 1000 thread count bed sheets, and a tub of laundry detergent.. so why won’t you marry me? I don’t get why you still have to “think about it”. Does this bride wealth mean nothing to you? Maybe you feel that you are unworthy of me or something. I realize my family is at least two steps above your’s on the social latter, but come on... no one here really cares. We can all marry whoever we want! So maybe you have a problem with me. My family is pretty honorable; I don’t think you give us enough credit. We have a respectable name and reputation to be passed down to our children. I mean, your family is okay, but seriously.. this is a man’s job to keep the family going, at least according to the patrilineal decent rules created by Chief Yorke. Do you not enjoy the company of Uncle Bob? He does sort of smell like sushi all the time, but the avunculocal residence shouldn’t be a problem.
By the way, I heard Jess, Katie, and Danny are moving to the island. I hope they adapt well.. manual labor has never been their thing.
--Kyle
Serjiopolikus’ Last Living Relative Dies at 99
By Shelby Biggershnuf
Chief Frank Yorke, the last living relative of Serjiopolikus and ruler of the chiefdom island of Serjdownawanaland, died yesterday in Greenland on his annual snowboarding trip. He was 99 years old. Snowboarding had always been one of his favorite pastimes. However, the over the last 20 years Chief Yorke had been advised not to participate in the activity because of his old age. “Oh, fiddlesticks,” he was quoted as saying on his 98th birthday. Despite the warnings from his masters of divination who predicted a lethal end to his love for snowboarding, he would not give up his trips to Greenland. He snowboarded until his bitter end; yesterday his hip gave out and he tumbled into a snowman being built by a group of small children.
Serjiopolikus discovered Serjdownawanaland in the early years of the 15th century. Traveling south from what is now called Greenland in search of somewhere with more sunshine and less snow, it took him and his small crew over six months to finally find a land suitable for their needs. Not only was this land a tropical paradise, it also had great resources for foraging. The various types of fruit and seafood were easy to find and kept the group well nourished. Serjiopolikus was happy to see that the people he brought to the island would work under him. These people were glad to help out; for if they did not, there would be no food to feed their families. They respected Serjiopolikus and his centralized power; he had the ability to decide what was fair, defend those who could not defend themselves, and support them economically through redistribution. He came up with the idea that there should not be a form of currency on the island. Instead, people would work for the benefit of the community in exchange for the goods needed to live.
When Serjiopolikus nearly died from a coconut tree fall, he realized that he needed a way to keep his beliefs and rules strong in Serjdownawanaland after he dies. It was then decreed that the island would be run by a hereditary ruler. Serjiopolikus tragically choked to death on sand during his 42nd birthday party; his son then took over the island.
When more and more of the land surrounding Serjdownawanaland were claimed, the island was pressured to adapt to the newcomers’ way of life. Whatever chief happened to be ruling at the time would not allow his people to be influenced. That is, until these outsiders began to come up with new technologies and tastier foods. To get these products in a way that would not have an effect on his people, the chief picked a coastal spot on the island that was not inhabited and rented it out to the outsiders.
So now that the family’s line has completely diminished, who will be responsible for the well-being of Serjdownawanaland and its people?
To: Jess <eighteasysteps@yahoo.com>
From: Danny <krazyklown@hotmail.com>
Subject: Battle of the Bands
These seven weeks have been crazy and I am NOT adjusting well. I can’t believe I chose this pseudo paradise over my mother’s house back in Maryland. Did I tell you that the dude that gives me my job for the week decided that I’m being lazy? Yeah! Apparently I am not “cooperating” with the establishment so I will not be “compensated” with the “goods necessary to live a fulfilling life.” Doesn’t this sound a little familiar? So what if I skipped a day or two or five. No one told me this labor is really debt slavery. What happened to the paradise we were promised?
So now to what I was going to tell you before: Since that Chief Yorke dude is now dead, his advisors decided that there must be a new chief put into power immediately. So what better way to do this than have a battle of the bands contest? They said the island needs creative ideas and a leader with the power to make people listen, both of which one could find in a band’s lead singer. So tomorrow night this little shindig will be happening. Though I’m not sure how any decision will be made, seeing as every band, radio station, and CD on this whole island plays only tropical alternative rock. It’s all anyone seems to want to listen to around here. Anyway, I hope you can go. It’s at the Serjiopolikus Memorial Stadium. It’s shaped like a coconut, you can’t miss it. --Danny
To: Jess <eighteasysteps@yahoo.com>
From: Katie <eastnessarose@gmail.com>
Subject: Coconut art. Seriously.
Hey Jessie! Now that we are a part of Serjdownawanaland I figured that we should get a taste of the culture here. Danny’s idea of going to this battle of the bands thing is sort of ridiculous. You know as well as I do that all those bands are going to sound the same. This art show I found, however, has variety. 562 ways to paint a coconut and 127 oil paintings of palm trees. This is going to be amazing. Seriously. We’ll be able to feel the spirit of the island! According to the pamphlet I picked up, the coconut symbolizes the island’s ability to stay rock hard on the outside (by not letting the world around it influence its ways) and smooth and delicious on the inside. Palm trees symbolize Serjdownawanaland’s shade from the pressures of the real world. The coconuts are even there to be rich in tactile appeal! Anyway, I hope you can make it. It’ll be good to do something besides gather coconuts for a change. <3Katie
A Brief Note from Reverend Carlin’s Church of Good Stuff
Please be reminded that every day, every minute, and every SECOND you are being watched by our Lord. It is very important to understand that this is a monotheistic island, and any worship of any god other than our own could be punishable by an eternity in the flames of Hell.
God does not forgive those that practice witchcraft. For those of you that were at the battle of the bands event, you may know of the man that tried to put a spell on his friend and turn him into a pinecone. It is not only wrong because pinecones are foreign to our environment, it also wrong because of the obvious evil of the act itself. Though our former chief enjoyed indulging in the art of divination, he was merely interested in it as an innocent hobby. Witchcraft is evil; just stay away from it. This spiritual malpractice will not be tolerated by this church.
The book of Elbib teaches us ways that are morally right. Remember the story of Coco and her struggle to find a good palm tree to sit under? She danced around and sang until the sun came up, but nothing happened. It was her trust in God that led her to the perfect tree, not her selfish attempts at god-like power. Read from the book, learn from the book.
On a side note, I hope you will all join us for the luau this evening in the recreation room!
Dear Kyle,
First of all, calm down. I am totally aware that this island practices exogamy; it’s not that big of a deal. You also seem to be forgetting about the dowry your family will be receiving. Do my mother’s cakes and cookies mean anything to you? I can understand that most of my future affinial kin enjoy sushi, and will therefore smell like sushi, but that really doesn’t matter to me.
Though your sister does annoy me, I consider this marriage to be run by just you and I. That’s probably why all marriages here are monogamous, so that there is only one other person to be annoyed with.
--Jen
Dear Lee,
I kind of miss college. Not that I don’t enjoy the tropical paradise. It’s just that I think I could use a little more challenge in my life. Gathering coconuts and figuring out how many recipes I can make out of a pineapple can only bring a certain amount of self-fulfillment. Did I tell you that they dropped the whole lead singer chief idea? Reverend Carlin accused them all of witchcraft, so they eventually found a distant cousin of Yorke’s living on the island who was happy to take the job.
Anyway, the “variety” they spoke of only referred to leisure activities. I don’t have the opportunity to become a psychologist anymore, or to work my seemingly mundane job at the crafts store, or to get yelled at by my professor for writing a stupid paper. I like challenges and that is why I’ve decided to come back.
--Jess
hungry
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